one needn't be ashamed of one's proclivities, unless they are intensely horrible or gay - in which case shame is a reasonable course of action. to wit:
on today's gamma-geek, the most organized geek in the history of mankind, drawstring pants (the dp) are friendly, approachable, accessible. they give off an air of casual authority - or is that musk? - because a fellow who dares wear the dp is setting his own rules. he commands the space - in military terms, 'the high ground'. he is saying: 'i am certain of my own immense virility and off-puttingly large genitals, so much so that i will walk around in the equivalent, haberdashery-wise, of a two-legged duffel bag.' a man in the dp is announcing to the world, 'i'm here, you're queer, get used to it.' we all get gayer in comparison. (and remember our opening sentence!)
with the dp you have to accessorize. leave your gameboy advance at home, for christ's sake - is this 12th grade physics class? are you going to sit there in the back of the room like the the other reprobates when we raised you up to be big and strong?
bring your moleskine (need it even be said?), your complicated and yet gaudy 'designer' sneakers, your black t-shirt with the giant iron-on dragon decal. if it is possible, wear exclusively zubaz, which is the natural colour scheme for the dp. if you receive the dp as a gift, by all means take pictures of yourself wearing them, setting them on fire, tearing them into tourniquets to aid victims of office shootings. take those pictures. have you got a digital camera? you have. it's in the pocket of the dp. indeed, most pairs come standard with the camera pre-installed nowadays, because out there on the cutting edge - three or four steps ahead of the other bitches - everything is more colourful, more vivid, and the speed of things is surpassing and terrible. you'll want to set your shutter speed very high, because when the more successful people pass you by in a flash - and they will, the dp can't work miracles - you're gonna have to take action shots. turn the dial as far to the right as it will go. there's tim, your old lab partner from school. he's president of the united states now. he'll pretend not to know you.
god! that right there is a real kick in the pants.
in the drawstring motherfucking pants!
