getting shit straight

murder is meat

a career in finance or law enforcement would have been extraordinary, but the physical fitness requirements are so serious, so awful. you could not do the chin-ups and the long journeys on foot, you failed the physical fitness exam offered by the economics department - what is left for you? no one welcomes you into the temple of finance, so from the gutter of despair you call out: what? how? if not now, then why ever?

fortunately you princess or prince of the new century will find happiness. a life of crime awaits. like working in high finance only with sex. here is the simple elegance you crave:

• debts are awkward, unstylish, non-crom.* kill your creditors - the look of freedom on their faces as they pass into the abyss will be worth the long hours of cleanup and hand-wringing over technical details, logistics.
• milk is $0.99 at the corner store but only $0.69 at the korean place two blocks up? fuck it - steal from both. tell each that the other put you up to it. the koreans are used to this kind of routine and will not take you seriously. but at the slightest fucking provocation they'll kill that other guy so hard you'll cry, just because, just to stay razor-sharp. yet another way you stay in the finance game. seriously don't mess with the koreans unless you've got wisdom and dexterity scores of at least 16. anything lower they'll laugh in your face before they tear your kneecaps off and wear them as yarmulkes.
• web 2.0: perfect of its kind, or merely extraordinary and fresh? hipness is a crime and you're the charles manson of your little coffeeklatch. marilyn manson if you're a girl.
• do you know why the phrase 'like taking candy from a baby' is used so often? because taking candy from adults is nowhere near as fucking awesome. it benefits the child in that obviously they're likely to choke to death on hard candies and fruits - please baby casmir don't eat that jolly rancher, you could grow up to be an astronaut if you wanted, we were only kidding baby casmir - and it benefits you in that the feeling of achievement the candy-stealing gives you caps off your long twilight struggle with an orgasmic rush. seriously you're a finance nerd, how likely is it you're going to get or give the bone?

here's an equation for you from the temple of finance:

college degree + determination = ?

if you said 'success' we can't help you, we laugh, it is a horrible day for you, a confused and confusing day. if you looked at that equation and punched your computer monitor, we may be related biologically as well as in spirit. pick the monitor up off the floor, clean yourself. the tears staining your cheeks are honest tears. you punched the computer because of a math problem. your despair is real. the koreans are watching.

* short for 'non-cromulent' which is obviously some kind of television reference.

you can't always get what you want,

but if you try sometimes you might find you can rock that body on out, rock that body on out.

fixingyou.com is coming back, so watch the HELL out.

random chance

you want to take advantage of the ins and outs of random chance if at all possible. it's not particularly complicated if you're trained professionally in mathematics and science. fortunately for you - and we at gss know you are NOT trained in these things, because you sit around reading blogs all day - WE have spent years in preparation for this moment. here is what we have gleaned in our studies, conducted all over the globe and presented to you with perfect joy and happiness, american-style:

• you can't control fate
• but you can rig the dice
• yes that's a metaphor
• but you can do it with actual dice too
• just not at this table

'american-style' you see? a proud history of genocide and optimism combined into probably the cutest little unordered list you ever did see.

we had more to say about this when we started this post, probably three weeks ago (if it was a day!). right about now we've more or less blown, metaphorically speaking, the ol' wad. you'll have to make do, pilgrim.

unbelievable achievements in american sport

whom did you root for in the american super bowl event? the american patriot heroes? or the mongrels from philadelphia, cradle of the confederacy, with their allegiance to no one but their own selfishness?

if you rooted for the winning team - team america - then you deserve a break today. write this down, exactly as we have it here. there are no exceptions:

i picked a winner today. tomorrow i'm going to spend time achieving, and then celebrating, and then probably i'm going to spend some time thinking, maybe regretting all the alcohol i drank during the super bowl football championship event. i'm someone, and that's something.

the way your head is spinning around now like your 'techno-hippie' friend who went to the burning man american festival event? that is the liquor spirits. you've really made a spectacle of yourself, and though the future will present at least two dozen more opportunities to get shit straight, for right now there's not a lot you can do but look at yourself in the mirror and cry. the shame you feel is the shame we all feel. did america win tonight? yes. but basically you just lost, AGAIN. christ, show some self-respect. being drunk is pretty much the worst thing you can do. we know: here at gss it's more than just a sin, it's a methodology.

recapping 2004: don't bother

the 21st-century digital road warrior should resist the urge to recap 2004; nothing good happened last year, at least not to you. indeed, since 1604 there have been only four years that were good through and through: 1979, 1803, 1492, and 1776. take out your notebook and write it down: 'look relentlessly forward, because everything behind is shit.' and give thanks, as 2005 lurches toward the dustbin of recent history in its own time, for free advice.