getting shit straight: diving board to despair

the chin: how to keep that shit up?

unsurprisingly, recent advances in science and culture have made it unnecessary - perhaps impossible - to stay unhappy for very long. america isn't just a land of opportunity, it's a country of great optimism and grace, no surprise considering that americans invented modern industry and efficiency nearly eight hundred years ago. and before we go on, let's be clear: don't think for even a second that this shit is limited to whites and asians. other races of the earth have incredible options as well in the global folksonomy/bacchanal.

how does science promise neverending happiness? just because the high-bitrate DIY-warrior world is on average tremendously stylish doesn't mean shit is always easy, especially for the poor, who invariably trail the fashion curve by months, perhaps years. have you ever been to a club party thrown by the poor? embarrassing, difficult to find. but science can help. the deans of american universities and research labs give us complex equations and lab reports, graphs; they traffic in data, but nobody ever got shit straight using a graph. this is the next-generation blogosphere, the semantic web 2.0 device. we trade in practical recommendations. a more palatable you is right around the corner. it starts with the human brain - which science tells us is increasingly important. ours is an information age.

breathing helps. take deep breaths when you wake up in the morning. roll over to your left, off of that slumbering sweet bitch - is that snoring? didn't we have a talk about that, honey? yes but if you wouldn't let the goddamn shar-pei sleep in the bed with us - roll over and take some deep breaths. oxygen, air, other tiny chemicals. closeness to the body is integral and establishes a firm ground for hipness and dexterity. are you unhappy? perhaps the first question to ask yourself is: why am i getting insufficient oxygen right now?

inability to breathe is only one inconvenience that you can avoid through very basic lifehacking procedures. write that term in your moleskine: LIFEHACKING is one of many tools in the american toolbox of happiness. you can lifehack your multiband cellular telephone plastic faceplate, or your kitchen; information; it is definitely possible to lifehack the eateries and newspaper stands in and around your neighborhood. several readers have written in this month with instructions on how to lifehack board games and playing cards for personal reasons. we're saying to you: breathe. this is america. science tells us that the air here is clean, the animals and plants are free and unlikely to carry germs. but if a raccoon gets into the trash or bites the shar-pei it may become necessary to lifehack both of them with a fucking rifle or softball bat - even in the west there are no guarantees. beauregard, why did you let that mean raccoon bite you? we can't afford a vet since we decided to go with the hybrid SUV; why take that risk, beauregard? why throw away our love, you fucking selfish mutt?

other ways in which to improve mental acuity center around eating habits. did you eat a salad today, a handful of raw granola? perhaps some grass. yes to decadence, yes to global freedom, but if you're hitchhiking down today's digital superhighway in the minibus of technology you're going to put on some pounds. do you know how many calories are in that pot you just smoked? you don't find that information on a graph or online. those hips, that ass - are you impressing anyone? a lard-ass with a blog is still a lard-ass; we don't want to get personal but the truth is more important even than this web blog, than the two-way communication street in our digital community.

additional techniques to try in your free time: